Where You Went Wrong
by MachineWash
Summary: Just a drabble. Mello's almost-lover reflects on their lives and where he went wrong.


**Woot, I finally got my first piece up. I'm not exactly satisfied with how it turned out but it was more of a spur of the moment type of story. I was just so ashamed because I've had this account for 2 years and kept putting of publishing any of m half-finished works. Keeping in mind that this doesn't have any distinct plot, this drabble is supposed to be the thoughts of a random OC that could have been Mello's lover.  
In all honesty, I don't think Mello really needs a girlfriend/boyfriend because its not in his personality or life plan but I needed a third party devoted to the chocoholic. I would have written it from Matt's perspective -because I'm assuming that they were best friends- but I just love him to much to talk about his pain. (It always amazes me how many people like Matt even though he was only in 5 panels of the manga) That and I wanted the opportunity for rebirth at the end. **

**Well, here it goes.**

When I was five, I watched my mother die.  
The last thing she told me before her eyes fluttered close was that I was just beautiful and she was so glad that my face was the last thing she would ever see. And it was.  
After that, I was moved to an orphanage and lived there for six months until a strange man took me away. He told me I was special and said he was going to take me to a place where there were other little kids like me. We know him now as Roger; it turns out that one of my kindergarten teachers sent in a couple of the poems I wrote to a magazine and Roger tracked me down from there.

This is the part where you come in Mello. Now, this wasn't your typical love story (if I can even call it that) because when I walked into the dining hall I did not feel this magical connection to you. I just sat alone at the only empty table there was and hoped to god that all these child prodigies wouldn't chew me up and spit me out before the end of the day. Perhaps it was fate that made me sit at that table -_your_ table- but with the way you were glaring at me from under those bangs, I was starting to wonder if the gods were playing a cruel trick on me. I was so relieved when the red-headed boy with orange tinted goggles perched on his head invited me to sit down.  
From then on, Matt was my best friend and I hung out with you by default. Even though you would never open up to me, I would always be intrigued by you and I think that secretly you wanted to get to know be better too. That's why it was no surprise to either of us that when you left Wammy's in search of greener pastures, I followed.

The select few that knew us well will say I acted like a lost puppy dog, clinging to you until your dark, dark end. If they could, they would tell me that I had so much potential, I could have spent the past couple years doing something useful with my life. I'm not stupid -a genius in fact- so why would I throw my life away just to chase after some guy who doesn't give a damn about me anyways? Why indeed.  
I loved you Mello, I really did. And maybe, somewhere deep in your heart, you loved me too. I hope you did because at least then I can say I didn't throw away the past five years of my life; chasing after the mirage of a person I knew could never be whole. Either way we both knew it wasn't enough in the end. Not enough to counter your ever growing obsession with L or the constant need to pull one over Near and assert your superiority.

I never said this to anyone (not even Matt) but I always thought Near would make a better L anyways. Because in order to be the world's greatest detective/mastermind extraordinaire, you can't let your emotions get the better of you. The reason Kira defeated the real L is because he didn't have to worry about _rules_ or _feeling_ or _lives_. Some would say that he was a monster. That reminds me of what L said to us, through that monitor, when we were back at Wammy's. Do you remember? I do.  
It takes a monster to catch a monster. Now, I'm not saying that Near is a monster (I love the little sheep to the moon and back) though he's always been a little _too_ detached from the rest of the world.  
I used to observe him from across the room and take down notes in my little psychology journal (the other kids thought I was stalking him). You didn't like that. You were so blind with jealousy that you didn't realize I spent all that time trying to figure out how Near managed to always one up you. It wasn't that you lacked the logic or intellect to solve a problem; the two of you were stacked pretty evenly in both cases. But you said it yourself, Near doesn't let his emotions get in the way of solving the puzzle. I have never seen him really _laugh_, _cry_ or _yell_. As far as we know, the only real emotion he ever displayed was a deep respect for L (but that's not an emotion at all, don't you think?) Maybe he can't feel or maybe he chooses not to and I don't really care either way. As sad as it is, we need sociopaths to catch the bad guys because it's easier for people like L to understand them. I don't know what I would do if I was forced to get into a serial killer's head -just look at what happened to you. As awful as it sounds, we need people who don't care about the countless lives thrown in the mix in order to serve justice. I'm not saying that Near would purposely risk lives to uncover Kira either; but I don't think his heart ever went out for the innocent people who got killed. If you look closely into the eyes of the new L you'd see that he's never really cared about anyone except the one he's playing against. His gray eyes are cold and uncaring; they have never shown a hint of remorse. That was never you Mello.

You would never show it but I know you hated seeing innocent people shed blood and you tried to protect the people you cared about from this mess we were all tangled up in. At least, that was at the beginning. Towards the end though, I didn't know who you were or what you became; he wasn't anything like the 15 year old boy I fell in love with. That boy dreamed about becoming someone great, whom others looked up to and admired (like you admired L).I don't know where he is now but he sure isn't that person who went down in flames and took his best friend with him.  
I don't know where you went wrong Mello. What I do know is that you grew up to be a cold shell of a man with a prickling sense of pain and hatred in your eyes. Hatred of what, I'll never know. Maybe it was Kira, Near, me, even the world - it doesn't matter. It may have killed you but in the end you finally caught up to Near and L. Congratulations.

The point is, in the end you turned into one of those monsters. And that thought makes me sick to my stomach.

I don't even know anymore why I stuck around in the end; I guess I was in too deep. I would tell myself that I was trying to help you (to _save_ you) but the truth was you were way past gone and the three of us knew it. Maybe I was like Matt and built my whole life around you so that in the end, I didn't know how to belong anywhere else.

The good news -_if your life is shitty enough to call this good_- is that I've decided to wake up from this dead state that I've been in and I finally know what I want to do with my life. I may not be the next Picasso like Linda or a new Edgar Allen Poe like Roger wanted me to be but I've found my life's purpose. I want to stop others from turning out like us.  
As much as Wammy's helped to nurture our genius, we never got to feel or really _live_ our lives. I want to help the monsters change the way they think before it's too late for them. I want to stop the countless Kiras that will continue to crop up in the world and erase the need for Ls entirely. And then maybe people like you can be free to feel happy.

In the end, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy Mello_._

-

**There you have it folks. Even though that sounded so much better in my head, I don't think it was bad for a 15 minute job (FYI 10 of those minutes were spent trying to figure out how the Doc Manager worked). Maybe if I can think of some drabbles with actual plot I'll make a collection.**

Review with suggestions if you have any. If not, tell me if you spell it G-R-E-Y or G-R-A-Y. Thanks for reading!


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